Not every relationship is meant to work out over the long-term, and many end simply because your interests, values or personalities aren’t compatible and you are no longer satisfied. But what happens when you find yourself in a relationship in which you’re incompatible, unhappy and often mistreated – but somehow still there and unable to leave?

You’ve probably heard of the term “toxic relationship,” but may be less familiar with the specific concept of “trauma bonding.” Understanding the nuances of this deeply destructive bond is critical in identifying if you are in this type of relationship, and how to begin to extricate yourself.

The essence of trauma bonding is loyalty to someone who is destructive. Though these relationships can occur after a trauma or stressful event, they may also occur in the normal course of dating. Anyone, including people who are strong and confident, can find themselves lost in the storm of a trauma bond. This is due to the way in which the relationship progresses and how it triggers certain parts of our brains.

Some common characteristics of trauma bonds include:

• Your partner consistently breaks promises
• You keep having the same, damaging fights that are never resolved
• You are blamed for everything in the relationship, and face constant demands for changes in your behavior or actions
• You try unsuccessfully to get your partner to change addictive or abusive behavior
• People around you are disturbed by your partner’s behavior towards you, but you are not or you make excuses for it
• You don’t trust your partner, or even really like who they are, but feel stuck in the relationship
• If you do finally leave, you deeply miss this person, or somehow find yourself sucked back into the relationship

Trauma bonds are deeply damaging to your confidence and sense of self, and often leave you unsure as to what you are feeling or if your perceptions are valid. These are reasons why it can be so difficult to extricate yourself from a trauma bond, and why it is so important to seek outside help in doing so.

• Stage 1:All Love
• Stage 2: Gaining Trust and Establishing Dependency
• Stage 3: Shift to Criticism
• Stage 4: Gaslighting
• Stage 5: Resignation
• Stage 6: Loss of Self
• Stage 7:Emotional Addiction

Humans form attachments as a means of survival. Babies become attached to the parents or caregivers whom they depend on, and adults form attachments to others who provide comfort or support.

When someone’s main source of support is also their abuser, a trauma bond can develop. An abused person may turn to the abusive person for comfort when they are hurt, even if the other person was the one who caused it. This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. Yet, not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.

A child relies on their parent or caregiver for love and support. If that caregiver is abusive, the child may come to associate love with abuse. Believing that this association is normal, the child may be unable to see the abusive caregiver as “bad.”

The child may instead blame themselves for the abuse as a way of making sense of what is happening to them. This allows the caregiver to continue being “good” in the child’s eyes, which reinforces their bond.

The main sign that a person has bonded with an abuser is that they try to justify or defend the abuse. They may also:

• agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating them badly
• try to cover for the abusive person
• argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbors
• become defensive or hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse, such as a bystander or police officer
• be reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or break the bond
• Breaking Free of a Trauma Bond

Many people find themselves stuck in a trauma bond and wondering how they ended up in such a toxic, destructive relationship. Understanding the slow and steady manipulation and psychological conditioning that occurs during different phases of a trauma bond offers some insight into why this happens. Because a trauma bond essentially makes you doubt everything about yourself – your perceptions, emotional reactions, and even your basic character – it can be very difficult to leave this type of relationship on your own.

Having a strong support network of people who can not only validate your perceptions but also help build up and reinforce your self-image is critical in rediscovering your strength and ultimately putting an end to a destructive partnership.

Emerging from a trauma bond can be very difficult, particularly in the early stages, and your partner will likely say and do all the things that you feel like you need from them in order to keep you in the relationship. Unfortunately, once you’re back in, the pattern will restart, and you will find yourself in exactly the same place.

To fully break free of a trauma bond, you need to remove yourself from that relationship and stay removed as much as possible to “detox” yourself emotionally from that person.

Professional support can be extremely helpful in gaining a trained, objective perspective on what is happening in your relationship, rebuilding your confidence, and reconnecting with your sense of self. You’ll need time to reflect and heal after a trauma bond, and a therapist is well-equipped to support you through every step of this process.